I've written many letters to You in journals, scrap pieces of paper, in my thoughts and now on my computer.
Today, I don't know where else to turn. I feel pushed beyond my maximum capacity, bullied, misunderstood, lonely, and scared.
Buying a house, getting married, graduating from school... these things are supposed to be fun, but to me they're not. I know it's my fault for packing too much in, but how was I to know it would be this way?
I suppose this is the glorified "experience" that is the most valuable asset in life - it's the reason why elderly people have a look of comfort in their eyes and now I can decode it.
It's the look of knowing the rules. They have the handbook for life and have seen every play therein. They can smile and say "just go take a nap" like my Grandma did last night as I gasped for air on the phone.
Lately, life has tackled me like a 300 pound linebacker.
God, what do I do now? I want to call time-out or better yet, forfeit.
I keep expecting things to get better and sometimes they do, but then a wave breaks over my head as I'm waving to my family on the beach. One minute I'm excited and splashing around - the next I am tumbling in a spin cycle like the one on my washing machine. As I come up for air, I am able to pull my bathing suit back up around my waist and adjust the cups back over my boobs... I look around, make sure no one was watching, and go back to being excited.
Again, a wave comes toppling over me and this time it takes longer to realize what happened. I reach the surface and gasp for air.
I guess I have two options. One is to get out of the water. The second is to get a boogie board and face forward.
